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PASTORAL LECTURES ON FAMILY & CHURCH: December 8, 2004 |
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In the series of Public Lectures titled "Pastoral Days" organized by the Institute's "Master of Theology Program," Rev. Father John Abdallah gave a lecture on December 9, 2004, about Family in Pastoral Work. In addition to his pastoral duties as a parish priest in Pittsburgh, Father Abdallah works as a Chaplain at the University of Pittsburgh and teaches Pastoral Counseling at Balamand. The complete text of the Lecture is found below:. When I awakened this morning, I imagined that I must still be sleeping. Could I really be home with my family, a family of Lebanon and Syria, a family of Orthodoxy, a family of Gods love? Could I really be honored by this gift of being with you, and of speaking about Gods gifts of family and of Church? I am most grateful for this invitation to speak, and I thank you in advance. The relationship of the Church and the family is a symbiotic one. I borrow the word symbiotic from biology to describe this special relationship because I have not found another word which more accurately reflects the relationship. Symbiotic means that one organism is reliant on another for its existence. For example, the hippopotamus relies on a particular little bird which eats the food from her teeth. This bird only feeds on the crushed food from the mouth of the hippopotamus; without the hippopotamus, the bird would die. Likewise, without the bird to clean her teeth, the hippopotamus would lose its teeth and, ultimately, her ability to eat and digest her food. So, the huge hippopotamus patiently opens her mouth for the birds to feed inside it. Their relationship is a symbiotic one. Similarly, there is a microorganism in the intestine of a rabbit that relies on the rabbit for its existence. This organism digests the food of the rabbit, which is incapable of digesting its own food. The rabbit and this microorganism have a symbiotic relationship since, without the other, neither would survive. The relationship of family and the Church is also a symbiotic one because each depends on the other for survival. Without the family to support the ministry of the Church and to provide children for the Church, there would be no Church. Without the Church to provide the model for relationships and to support the relationships of the family, the family could not provide the relationships that manifest Gods ministry and provide life. The family and Church have a symbiotic relationship; one cannot exist without the other. Both the Church and the family are gifts from God that afford a pathway for salvation. It is in the relationships of each that God reveals Himself to man and joins Himself to mankind. Both are established in sacrament, both provide life, and each is dependent on the other. Marriage is the gift that establishes the family. For the Orthodox, and this is uniquely Orthodox, marriage is given as a gift when a man and woman come to the altar of God to receive the union which comes from Him. In Western Christianity, marriage is constituted by the will and vows of the couple. The couple is the author and giver of marriage; the couple is the priest or minister of the sacrament. Roman marriages can be witnessed by a deacon, without the presence of a bishop or presbyter, because marriage has been reduced to the vow between the groom and the bride. The Orthodox, in contrast, insist that it is Christ who in the beginning did make man and woman, and it is by His right hand that they are made one flesh. Furthermore, it is clear to the Orthodox that the purpose of this union is salvation. At this time I could recite to you the entire marriage crowning ceremony, to prove that God offers marriage as a gift for our salvation. However, this point is so clear that I need not prove it. Instead, I will offer just a few examples of the promises made by God to the bridal couple, in order to illustrate this point: the perfect love which comes from above; the uniting of husband and wife by Christ; the crowns which come from heaven, like the martyr crowns given to the martyrs of Sebaste; children, for education in the faith; health and deliverance from harm; deliverance from scandal and temptation. From within this context, I wish to reflect on how and why family, like Church, brings salvation. In Genesis, we read that God created mankind in His image and likeness. The God whose image humans reflect is a God who is Himself love, and He and His love are uncontainable. His uncontainable love is so great that it pours out eternally into His only-begotten Son, the Divine Logos. It is so great that it processes eternally into His Spirit. This love, which cannot be contained, is not love unless it is shared with another. If we are to be like God, it [cannot] be good for us to be alone on the earth. Therefore, God creates for us a helpmate. A helpmate is more than a helper; the helpmate completes that which the other lacks. When man loves another, he is able to reflect God, who is love. Without the other to love, man cannot be like God. Without the other to love, man cannot be human. Humans need relationships to reflect what God created them to be, that is, to be in the image and likeness of God. Although not all relationships are reflective of God, holy relationships reflect God and bring us to salvation. Three kinds of family relationships are holy: that which the Church blesses between man and woman; the monastic family, based on prayer and obedience; and the parish family, designed to teach and challenge us to come to God. Each of these three families exists in symbiotic relationship with the others. The nuclear family relies on the parish and monastery for sacraments and guidance. The monastery relies on the parish and nuclear family for its members. The parish depends on the nuclear family for its members, and on the monastery for its spiritual guidance and witness. Let us turn our attention now to how the aforementioned relationships bring us salvation. Salvation and theosis come from entering into Christs life. Because only the Word of God took on flesh, salvation for that which has flesh is reliant on Christ. It is through His priesthood that we express our oneness with Him. It is in Him that we have life. In our liturgy we begin the anaphora with the deacon calling the people to offer the holy oblation in peace. The oblation that we offer is a mercy of peace, a sacrifice of praise. The Word of God offers to the Father all praise, glory and honor; the Word of God brings from the Father a mercy of peace, which is Himself. In Christ we offer praise to the Father and share with each other Gods mercy and love. Without marriage or community life, we are able to be as selfish and self-directed as we wish. We can rise as we choose, sleep as we choose, and work if we please, with little consequence to anyone other than ourselves. However, in family or community, everyone depends on each other. In family and community, we are called to come out of ourselves, and to serve and love one another. The needs of an infant at three AM, when both husband and wife are exhausted, afford us an opportunity to get past ourselves, and to learn the kind of selfless love that God is and calls us to be. Obeying an abbot when we believe we know a better way allows us the opportunity to overcome our pride. As our world becomes increasingly complicated and changing, the family is reliant on the Church to provide support. The Church is the obvious source of such support. It is the Church, after all, that defines and initiates the sacramental marriage. It was the priest or church leadership who prepared the couple for marriage, teaching them what marriage is. So when the marriage encounters difficulty with the relationships of the family, the Church is in a unique position to provide help. The church can support the family didactically and by modeling. Through classes and sermons, the church can offer skills that will bring about understanding. The curse of Babel is confusion and misunderstanding, but the blessing of Pentecost is understanding the Truth. The enemy of truth in our families is jealousy, competitiveness, fear of being deprived of something and the like. Nevertheless, our God is boundless and has abundant love to satisfy all. By teaching that all of our needs for love can be met, we can show people how to overcome their fears and love each other. For example, couples often misunderstand each other because they are fearful that their goals will be left unmet. They do not listen long enough to hear the needs of the other. A third party from the church could help resolve conflict by asking each party to explain his (her) needs and fears in turn, without the other interrupting or responding. By hearing the conversation of the spouse with the church leader, the other partner is more able to hear the full communication of the spouse. When the couple talk at home without the support of the Church leader, assumptions were are made and responded to before the communication is completed. Information that was missed creates conflict. When I talk to people in conflict, I quickly learn that each party is defending himself from the perceived offensive of the other. Such offenses are often not intended. No one ever starts a family war. By modeling healthy communication skills and {respect for} love for each other, we can teach our members how to respond to each other at home and in other contexts. The church leader would do well to teach the couple to change their perspective of the spouse. The spouse is a partner, a supporter, an ally, not the enemy. Imagine what marriage would be like if everyone understood that his spouse is his gift from God who will best help him toward salvation! The things that aggravate one about his (her) spouse may very well be a manifestation of his own similar sin, which needs to be exorcized for his benefit and his salvation. The Church can interpret this sin, hear its confession and foster repentance. This process applies, of course, to all three types of families I am addressing this evening. Children are a gift that comes from marriage, and they need patience and understanding. Christ is the most excellent teacher of parenting: He does not provoke, He withholds judgment, He teaches gently and He loves. Our Church has always had great respect for children. As infants, they are initiated fully into the Church and given the Eucharist. This respect is also reflected in Orthodox iconography, which depicts children as small adults. This respect for children is in contrast to those cultures which have historically treated children as property without legal dignity. When there is conflict between parents and children, the Church can help children feel respected and cherished. The Church can also call upon children to love and respect their parents, whose judgment by Christ will depend on their stewardship over His little ones. Children should obey parents so that parents can protect, educate and love them on behalf of the Lord God. Families are systems of relationships. Sometimes the relationships are unhealthy and need to be changed. This change is always difficult, as systems are very resistant to changing. Often, leadership is changed in a family organism without the system changing. The new leadership in such a case will fail, because the old system will persist. Change requires an understanding of the relationships in the family; once the relationships are defined and understood, deliberate action (i.e., change) is needed to modify the relationships. For example, if a child is troubled and having fights with other males at school, it may be that he has not learned how to negotiate as a male. If the Church can empower his father to explain patiently how he learned to negotiate with other children, the childs relationship with the father will be strengthened and the family system will be changed. Sometimes parents have inadequate understandings of their roles, and need models and teachers. The Church can fill this need by providing interactions with others in the parish who have more parenting experience. By sponsoring parish activities that encourage families with differing levels of experience to join together, relationships will be established that model and teach healthy interactions among family members. At times, problems in families are directly reflective of bad theology. If a father mistakenly believes God to be imposing and arbitrary, he may treat family members in such negative ways. Likewise, if a family member perceives the father as arbitrary and despotic, she might assume that God is also arbitrary and despotic. The perfect icon of the God the Father is Jesus Christ, and He taught us the truest nature of God through the parables of the Kingdom. The image of God found in these parables is useful when teaching families how to relate to God and when modeling loving relationships for families. When we love and when we work, we enter into Christs own priesthood. It is in doing Gods work that we participate in His action. This is theosis or deification. This is salvation. Three kinds of family life -- nuclear family, monastic family and parish family -- allow us to serve in Christs priesthood. It is in such service that we gain life. |
